Saturday, June 18, 2005

Desire, and that which you do not have

"You have total grass-is-greener syndrome"

A simple statement, really. But when Bryan uttered these words over breakfast at Moxie's (or was it in the car on the way to Grouse?) earlier this week in response to the excitement Manny and I had shared about the visit to Vancouver it really struck me. It's several days later and the words continue to echo in my mind, haunting me like a song that I can't get out of my head.

Could it be?

Is this the reason why I lack focus and attention? Is this why my mind wanders off into thoughts of times gone by, of places yet unexplored, of people that have crossed my paths and moved on in their lives? Sometimes I find myself driving down the street (or sitting on a chair in a crowded restaurant or walking on a bustling avenue) watching the people go by and painting pictures of their lives. The busy busy business woman, on the cellphone in her top down 330 BMW talking with her girlfriend about the crap her sugar daddy was giving her about the bag she bought at Nordstrom's...The stressed out asian student rushing, already late for his second job, rushing to the BART station...Sometimes I find myself distracted with conjured up stories about the people around me. Could it be that I'm just never content with what I have, no matter how good?

ISTP - Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving. That's what the MTBI test told me. They managed to sum me up in one phrase "always willing to try something once"

That explains it, alright. Why I have this unbelievable fear of being stuck with one thing, why I can't manage to focus on something and truly master it. You name it, I've tried it, but haven't taken it to that upper echelon of skill and mastery where immortality, fame and "the zone" await. Nope, something cooler/neater/better/different/that I don't have always manages to come along and distract me. Be it photography, piano, tennis, racquetball, autocross, guitar, video games, writing software, cooking...there is that amazing initial thrill of doing something new and exciting. Then once it wears off, that's it. The commitment dissipates and it's drudgery until the next new thing catches my eye.

[hm. this new Coldplay album isn't bad]

So am I doomed to float through life from milestone to milestone, apple to apple, without consistency and commitment? Well, hell... there anything even wrong with that?

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At 6/20/2005 2:33 PM, Blogger B said...

actually, i think we all have grass is greener syndrome. honestly, when i was in vancouver, i thought about moving there myself. hey, if they hire me there, i'd consider it!


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